“Audio Pleasure: Review of Club Vibe - Examiner” plus 1 more

Audio Pleasure: Review of Club Vibe - Examiner

Posted: 11 Apr 2010 09:52 PM PDT

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I get a lot of emails telling me about new dating or sex products. Because they come to that specific email account (which, incidentally, is troubledanger@gmail.com, if you feel like writing), I'm assuming these emails come to me because I am a Relationship Examiner.

I'm pretty sure the marketers for new dating sites, dating products, or sexual pleasure products write all the Relationship Examiners, because if I were a PR person, that's what I would do. However, I don't see a lot of sex toy reviews, so maybe I am the only fool responding, giving these people my address, and having them send these "pleasure products" to me. It happens with some frequency. Seriously. When I was trying out this latest product, I ended up looking through my bed stand, pulling out handfuls of electronics, yelling "How many vibrators do I HAVE?"

The reason I was looking for my iPod (we ended up using Max's) is because the newest product sent to me, "Club Vibe, " can be hooked up to it. The Club Vibe (2nd one down on the link) is a vibrator attached to a small black box that picks up music (or any) vibrations, and then sends a signal to the attached little pink bullet that vibrates to the beat. The box is about the size of a cell phone, circa 2003, and you can either plug this into an iPod or go out to a club and let the box pick up the music there. Because I am a woman of science, one interested in providing you, my reader, with the most thorough information, I did both. You know, for science.

Part 1: Club Vibe iPod Review

Max and I had come home from a date night. Now, we don't usually have an official "date night," we usually invite other people along so that we don't eat in silence or so that one of us doesn't make the mistake of asking the other if they are happy in the relationship, and the other brings up threesomes. Not that I'm naming names here. But in this case, I had told Max I wanted to see the movie "Date Night" and he translated that to mean I wanted a "date night" to see "Date Night," so he pre-purchased tickets, picked me up from work, paid for dinner, the whole thing. It was very sweet.

We were tired when we got home, but saw the Club Vibe box had arrived, and as a Relationship Examiner, I take my job seriously and knew I had to start researching the product right away. Max and I spent the next 2 hours on our bed while he chose different songs and I alternately pleasured myself with Club Vibe and took notes on my Blackberry. Here's what we found:

Classical/Theme song Music
I realize I'm grouping John Williams with Beethoven here, and I'm comfortable with that. Beethoven's 9th started well, but then, like the heavy metal, got too consistent. The secret in iPleasuring, I found, is that the song has a good beat and crescendos. I was very disappointed in the Indiana Jones theme song; I barely felt anything at all. However, the Superman theme was much more rewarding. The Darth Vader theme song was good, but I couldn't separate myself from my inner thought process. ("Hmm. Darth Vader is kind of sexy, but only with his uniform on. I wouldn't have sex with James Earl Jones. Why were the later movies so much worse? I think it was lack of Ewoks.")

Winner for Classical/Theme Song? Battlestar Galatica. Max insists this means I have to watch the show. I loved the voices and drums, but the song was really short. Much like when a guy comes prematurely, I was disappointed that the Battlestar Galatica theme didn't at least hum for a while after the end, or something.

Rap/Metal Music
Usually these 2 types of music are not grouped together. But I believe that so much has to do with the voices and the beat, and the different vibrations they carried. I really thought I would like Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangster, but it was just like a light tickle. Alternately, Korn (Twisted Transister) had so much yelling in their song it felt like a lawn mower in my panties. Same with Enter Sandman—it was promising in the beginning, with the voices and strong beat, and then was just a loud and hard BRRRMMMMMMM. *

Winner for Rap/Metal? Enimen, My Name Is (or is that Slim Shady?)I don't particularly love him, but he enunciates so well, has a good beat, and introduces other voices (Club Vibe can tell), that if you can forget you're listening to Enimen, or that he calls himself Slim Shady, one could come.

Old Songs
I'm not sure if this is really a category, but bear with me. We listened or "researched" this for hours, so we went through a lot of songs. For Beatles, I Am the Walrus won over Magical Mystery Tour and Eleanor Rigby. Unfortunately, I knew a guy in high school named Walter who would sing that song in class so while I'm trying to get turned on, I kept hearing Walter's voice in my head, going "Coo coo ca-choo." Thanks, Walter. Bob Marley's No Women No Cry was similar, good beat, but it's like having sex high. If being high were legal. Since it is not, I do not know what I am talking about, obviously.

Neil Diamond's Sweet Caroline has a great beat, but the chorus starts out a little low. Listening to Sweet Caroline was like having sex with a friend who is really putting all his effort into it, and the sex is mildly enjoyable but you know the relationship isn't going anywhere. Carry On My Wayward Son has a great combination of slightly off-kilter vocals and beat, like drunk sex that turns rough when you get to the instrumentals. In this metaphorical relationship there would be no romance still, but you would at least come (sorry, Neil).

Fly Me To the Moon (Frank Sinatra) **is how I imagine people in their 80s have sex. Oh, don't think they don't have sex. They just make sure it's slow, steady, and gets the job done. And you need to close your eyes.

Winner for Old Songs? Summer Night by Miles Davis. To give you an idea of why this dark horse won, I will transcribe the notes I took while listening to this song: Piano-eh. Trumpet-drop panties. Unpredictable! Like foreign sex. What note or beat is next? No anal, Miles. Well, if you ask. Slow though like foreign sex with an old man. But good foreign sex.

80s and 90s Music
I'm Just a Girl by No Doubt gets an honorable mention, and is an appropriate feminist come. I had high hopes for Flogging Molly, but Every Dog has Its Day just dropped off after starting out great. The Worst Day Since Yesterday was much better, and Club Vibe really responded to his voice, not the music. That alone gave the experience a personal connection, but from a bunch of drunk Irishmen, I wanted more. Pull my hair, Flogging Molly!

Santeria by Sublime was good, but for some reason Max changed it quickly. Pretty much any 80' s song (like Don't Stop Believing) is enjoyable—the long intros build you up, the vocals and back beat are strong so the vibrator isn't just doing one buzz to a beat, it's picking up the drums and guitar and then goes crazy with cymbals. Club Vibe really responds to cymbals. The Beastie Boys were ok, Girls Girls won out over Paul Revere, because of Girl's faster beat.

Lady (by Styx) was AWFUL, but I also hate the song. Total Eclipse of the Heart was also awful, which was disappointing, but just proves that great karaoke can make for awful iPleasure.

Winner for 80s and 90s? Sweet Child of Mine. I listened to this twice, just to be sure, and totally iCame. Max told me it was because the guitar notes are separate and the drum's and Axl's voice is incredibly clear. (I don't really care why it was, I would listen to it again at any time.) I almost declared this one the winner of the whole iContest.

Queen and Aerosmith
Living on the Edge lacked in the chorus; it felt like I had a beehive down there. Love in an Elevator wasn't much better, but Fat Bottomed Girls was FANTASTIC after I had Max turn up the volume.The drums really added extra sizzle.

Bohemian Rhapsody and Don't Stop Me Now by Queen were good, but teasing, even though the guitar solo and "For MEEEE!!!!" part at the end of Bohemian Rhapsody was fun, it made you want to sing along and start waving your arms. Which is weird with a vibrator.

Winner for Queen and Aerosmith? Under Pressure tied with Fat Bottomed Girls. Under Pressure's beats combined with different voices added a surprise element, like when someone blindfolds you. Oh, Max, we should do blindfold sex. It might be similar to when we turn off the lights though. Who am I kidding, you won't read this for three weeks and then will come out of your room saying "You wanted BLINDFOLD SEX and didn't tell me?"

Overall iPleasure Winner
No one would expect this, and I almost chose Sweet Child of Mine, but then, Max played a song by The Dan Band called "Rock You Hard This Christmas." Club Vibe loved Dan's voice, the beat was good during the verses and the chorus built you up. I was afraid, like some others, the song would end softly and disappoint, but it did not. In the last minute, The Dan Band gets louder and louder and the drums come in. Now that I've watched the Youtube video of it, I'm pretty sure I would have to block those images out to iCome again, but it was this song knocked it out of the park. Max is also now wondering if any Christmas song would be good for Club Vibe, if so, that would completely change the way I experience the mall from October to January.

Speaking of Christmas, remember my article complaining about how Max and I didn't know what to get our couple friends, or even if they were going to get us something? Well, thank you, Club Vibe. This year I'll just buy a bunch of them and give them out to anyone, excluding family members. But only because my father, the minister, once asked during a movie what "that thing" was (it was a dildo), and I was the only one embarrassed because I was the only one who knew. Welcome to my family and our innocent Christmas presents.

To make sure I was getting the full Club Vibe experience, I also took it to a club. Yes. I hooked it up, put it down my pants, and went to a public bar with live music. I was going to review that experience in this column, but it's gotten kind of long. So this Club Vibe review will be two articles.

So until next time, Loyal Readers. Feel encouraged to post your song suggestions as well. And you are welcome, think of all the time I saved you, now when you purchase your Club Vibe, you don't have to spend two hours going through your iPod muttering things like "Gah! Turn it off!" or "mmmm…what the…is this Beethoven's 9th?"

*Max would like me to let you know at this point he intended to play a different version of this, called "Don't Stop the Sandman," but did not have it on his iPod. However, he would like you to take a look-see here.

** Right. I had a hard time finding one of Frank doing this on Youtube. But this version is good too.

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Start the Presses: - Glendale News-Press

Posted: 11 Apr 2010 09:38 PM PDT

No day is the same here at The News-Press.

When the phone rings or the e-mail pings, it could be just about anyone at the other end. Often people call to suggest stories. Sometimes we follow those suggestions; sometimes we do not. Sometimes people call to with a tip about yet more weirdness in the Crescenta Valley or City Hall. Sometimes they're right; often they are not.

But rarely do I get an e-mail like the one I got recently from Brett Reynolds. Brett, 18, is a senior at Burroughs High School in Burbank, who was struggling with a clever way to ask his girlfriend to the prom. He asked if he could get the newspaper to do it.

No problem. So, in my newfound Cyrano de Bergerac role (sans the nose):

Meaghan Ryan,

Brett Reynolds would like to ask you to the prom. Would you like to go with him?

This note originally ran in the Wednesday edition of the Burbank Leader, a sister paper of this august publication. From all accounts, Burroughs, which was not on spring break this week, was abuzz that day. It's nice to know teenagers still read the paper.

I'll get to Meaghan's response in a moment, but I first have to say, I paused when this came across my inbox. What if she turned him down? Asking your girlfriend to prom is pretty standard, and dating for five months in high school is about the same as being married for as many years in adult life. Still, it's a pretty gutsy move.

I asked him if he was worried at all. A little, Brett answered, but not too much.

"I just hope she thinks it's really cool and sweet and brags about it to her friends," he said.

Brett said he and Meaghan met in a class the two had together their junior year, but didn't start dating until this year.

"I was really slow in making the first move," he said, "but it all worked out."

According to Brett, finding innovative ways to ask your date to prom is just part of modern high school life. Some guys put up posters on the balcony, or write their invitations in colored chalk outside the school. He needed something different.

"You want to do something where everyone says, 'Wow, see what he did?'" Brett said. "You want to do something where the other girls get jealous."

So what did Meaghan say? She said yes, delivering her response on a gigantic cupcake with the affirmative answer written out in M&Ms.

"Wow," she wrote me in an e-mail. "Brett pretty much outdid everyone. It completely made my day, and was way cooler than any other proposal I'd heard about."

Much to my surprise, innovative prom stories are all around town. Recently, I ate lunch at California Pizza Kitchen on Brand Boulevard, a scant block away from the world headquarters of the Glendale News-Press and Burbank Leader.

Overcome with the sweetness of Brett's request, I relayed it to my server, Samantha Dickens. Samantha, as it turns out, graduated from Glendale High School in June. She said on-again-off-again (ahh, kids) boyfriend Victor Barba asked her to homecoming in 2008 by writing out "Homecoming?" in candles on her front yard.

"So, you know I had to outdo him for prom," said Samantha, who was named homecoming queen that year.

Samantha said she first convinced Victor that she didn't want to go as his date, instead choosing a platonic friend as her official prom companion. Though Victor sulked a bit, she said, he got over it quickly enough.

In the interim, she finagled those rolls of the gigantic construction paper apparently only found in high schools, and had some friends help her write out "Will you go to prom with me Victor Barba?" in 6-foot-high letters. The message was then taken to the Glendale High football field — a nod to Victor's work on the gridiron.

On a pretense, Samantha said, Victor was led to the stadium's press box. She said an administrator hit the lights, illuminating the message, and solidifying the couple's plans.

She said she and Victor still see each other occasionally, and both are doing well at Glendale Community College. All's well that ends well, no?

If you'd like to share your prom memories, send me an e-mail. If I get enough, I'll share them with you next week. With all the trouble in the world these days, it's good to know romance is a long way from being dead.